May is Bittersweet

May is a bittersweet month for me.  I have been struggling with my emotions for the past week because I've been recalling the last few conversations I had with Amy at this time last year.  I've also been thinking about the first time she visited Mike and I, in May, 2 years ago.   May has brought me my best friend (and someone I consider a sister), but it has also taken her away.  I can't help but hold disdain for this month.  It's similar to the movie "Inside Out" when Riley's core memories become multiple colors because multiple emotions contribute to the moments that make up her life.  I think May is yellow (happiness) and blue (sadness).

I remember on May 17th calling Amy to talk to her about my fear over my tonsillectomy surgery the next day and ask about going to visit her in the near future.  She barely had a voice and I contributed it to the fact that she had surgery just a few weeks prior.  I remember telling her to rest up and to let me know when she was feeling better so I could go see her and have a Tinkerbell movie marathon.  I made sure to end the call with an "I love you" and she replied with a "Love you too".

On May 18th we exchanged brief texts back and forth so she knew I got out of surgery OK.

On May 19th I texted her early in the morning because it was difficult for me to sleep longer than a couple hours at a time becuase my throat hurt so bad.  I shared with her that my mom found 4 leaf clovers at the surgery center and that I had a dream about her when I was under anesthesia.  We joked that it would be VERY bad for society if the stuff that knocks you out was available over the counter.  I also had a moment of clarity and remember thinking "man, i'm whining about this stuff and Amy's dealing with far worse...." so I had to tell her how much her friendship meant to me... Amy is the most selfless person I have ever met.  Below is a snippet of the conversation from that day...

Little did I know that would be the last thing we ever said to each other.

I want you guys to know, I don't blog these things or talk about Amy a lot to keep kicking you guys in the gut.  This is just part of my grieving process and unfortunately, grieving is a very selfish process to go through.  I know I'm not alone in this.  When we lost Amy, we ALL lost a very dear friend.  When I talk about and remember her, it helps keep me from bottling up my emotions.  It also helps me keep her close and her memory alive.  It's been so difficult for me going through life without being able to pick up the phone and call or text her.  With Amy gone, there's a void that I know will never be filled and I suppose this is my way of trying to fill that void.  For those of you that have been following along, I appreciate you taking the time to read what I write.  For those of you that my way of grieving re-opens your wounds, I do apologize.  It's definitely not my intention to cause others harm.

To everyone out there feeling this way about Amy or anyone you have ever loved and lost... *hugs*

I do hope you can join us this Saturday, May 21st 4-6 pm SLT for the Memorial Service in Second Life at the Alouette main store.  If the sim does become full, I will be posting a link so those of you that can't get in can still listen.  I would also like to share, with the help of Gattz Gilman, and inspired by "Inside Out", I was able to put together a "core memory" globe in honor of Amy.  There's a wearable and rezzable version that will be available for free at the memorial.

As always, Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,
Chrissy/Lacie